Marriage

No one sits you down and tells you "marriage is going to be really hard." Usually you get into it when you're all googoo gaagaa, starry eyed, in love - and then later you learn the reality. No one tells you "it's going to be a lot of work" (or if they do tell you, you're not listening).
What I've learned in our 15 years of wedded bliss (and wedded work) is that yes it is hard, yes it is a lot of work, and yes it is so worth it to hang in there and do the hard work - because what you get from all of that is such a rewarding, deep, meaningful union that wouldn't be the same if you hadn't gone through all the trials and tribulations to get there.
Wow. So there you have it, if you didn't already know this, now you do.
I have pushed my husband beyond the limits and together we have bent, molded, stretched, transformed, and roared down the highway of life. I am so in love with my husband because of this and feel incredibly fortunate to have such a precious thing to be a part of. A smile comes across my face and I can feel the sparkle behind my eyes just thinking about it now.
I wish the same for you.

So Far So Good

Well, I've done some exercise, some yoga, some eating well, some trying to be a good family/friend, some laughing, and some looking forward to things in the future - but no pleasure reading - I guess I'm mostly headed in the right direction.
I'm still scared to death about more ivf but feel hopeful that the possibility of a child is at my fingertips. I probably need to quit analyzing and just leap.
I realized I never updated everyone on the fact that my big, nasty (that made me think of the person I know called "Big Nasty", which is not really a good thought) foot wart is finally GONE!! I took the pictures off my blog because I figured they had scared everyone enough.
I'm planning a garden (not sure whether small or large) for this summer and planning out what I want to plant - definitely basil. I'd like to grow tomatos but I never have luck with them.
I'm looking forward to some good New Mexico red chile and green chile next weekend when I make food for Scott's going away party (green rice and carne adovada).
Justin is riding his bicycle, with friends, from Athens home to Macon next Friday (88 or so miles) and we're starting to plan for our annual Macon/Athens Twilight Century bike ride in April. Also, Justin is preparing for his study abroad in Australia and Fiji in May/June (poor fella).
I love you all very much - thanks for traveling with me on my journey!

Could that be spunk I see?

Here's what's been going on in the Gardner household:

They raise hell and then they sleep . . .

Hmmm . . . I am wondering if that could be my spunkiness I see on the horizon, trying to make a come back. As the old saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think I might be ready to rejoin the world, after having dropped out of society for about the last year. I want to get back to regular exercise and yoga, eating well, being a good friend/wife/relative and not being so damn funky all the time. There have been a lot of good things this year - our friends Scott/Jennifer and Troy/Amy got married and had fabulous weddings with good times to last a lifetime, Justin is doing very well in pharmacy school (the hardest year), and we had fabulous trips to Albuquerque in June and for Christmas - and a wild and crazy road trip with three dogs and my sister/brother in law. Our good friends Tossie/Rebecca will have a new house/home soon. My internet friend, Stephanie, gave birth to her miracle (huge) twin boys. Thanks to all my work friends who have been so supportive and put up with me over the last year. Julie and Stan are 50 and Fabulous (my Mom probably came up with that saying too). Barry found his true love and is going to take the big plunge. Scott found a job (go War Eagles! Dallas - that's for you!) and can actually live with his wife now. My brother has achieved education/career/job & wife & house. My sister has achieved more education. My Mom has achieved her lifetime work toward a finished and beautiful home. I love to hear Justin laugh - and he's been doing a lot of it lately. I'm working on my goal of laughing more.

Even though the future is uncertain with a shaky economy and all kinds of strife, we have a lot to be thankful for: I have a job, Justin is well on his way to a good career, we have great places to live, we have great family and friends. Max made it to see another year. I'm looking forward to getting a lot back in taxes (for our IVF deductions and our new mortgage interest), an added bonus. I'm so proud of my fabulous Mom (that's her word, fabulous) who's so incredibly strong. I'm grateful for the many good memories of my Dad - I love you and miss you. I hope to be able to take delight in the simple pleasures, like reading all the books piling up on my "to be read" list, enjoying a good walk, and actually looking forward to things in the future.

Justin and I are discussing more IVF. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. It's hard to know what's the right choice. But I am thankful to even have the option of a choice.

So, here's to 2009, a year of prosperity, gratitude, reflection, perspective, insight, growth, and living in the moment.

Huckleberry Hound Dog

I am feeling like a bad parent because I haven't been showing off our new dog, a basset, to the world - Huckleberry Hound Dog. You can see his picture on the bottom right of my blog. We got him from a shelter and he had every kind of worm and a bad cold/cough. I think he's finally figured out we are good folks and he is safe and okay. He's one lucky dog to be joining the Gardner family. He's fitting right in, loves to play, and he is doing his job which is to play with Rufus.
I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of losing the baby and my Dad but I seem to be doing okay.
I hope you all are well!

The End?

We are at a crossroads - we're out of money for IVF, which means that we won't ever have children. That's a huge pill to swallow and I don't know how to accept that.
I am wondering if it's time to end this blog - I don't have much to say except angry rants and I don't want to be like that. I guess I'll think on it.
I really appreciate everyone's support! You are wonderful friends.

I quit. I’m mad as hell. I’m sick and tired of playing by the rules, doing everything like I’m supposed to – and getting screwed. It’s so damn unfair. I don’t have anything eloquent to say. That’s it.

Torture

Well, I've been in exile, on a vigil, on hiatus - I don't know what to write other than I'm waiting and scared and it's torture. I just want to bury my head in the sand and come out some time in the future (far in the future). I feel kind of like a toddler, I want to throw myself on the ground, roll around screaming, and violently thrust my arms and legs into the air (although I haven't actually done this for fear of shaking loose any possible baby). I'm actually getting tired of being around myself because I've been such a downer.
I can't muster the energy to take and post a picture of Rufus' deflated scrotum (his "after" shot). It's deflating, but quite saggy.
It was great having my sister and brother-in-law here for a visit. Justin is home this weekend and providing lots of TLC.
Official thanks to Amy for taking me to get knocked up! (And to the US Govt for giving her the cushy schedule to be at my beck and call).
And thanks to Stephanie, my personal, free tech support! She sure does know a lot about stuff you never knew you needed to know about. And she helps me realize I'm not as crazy as I thought.
So, off to do some more waiting, tick tock, tick tock. And while I'm waiting, maybe I'll go pull my hangnails with tweezers, rub salt in my eye, pull hairs out of my nose, give myself papercuts in between my toes, or slam my finger in the door - just to add to the experience. And I'll try not to be so uplifting next time.