Long overdue update

This is Marley in her Santa outfit.

And a picture of our friends Scott/Jennifer's baby, Halle. She was born 3 weeks before Marley and looks huge in comparison.

Holy cow - I meant to post a very long time ago but I guess it goes without saying that I've been absorbed in baby feeding, diapering, pumping, etc. The days all blur together (I know I'm preaching to the choir for the moms out there).

Where to start . . .

I got pitocin at 4:30am, OB broke my water at 8am, started having pain right away, got epidural at 8:15am and started pushing at 8:30am.

The delivery was quick but ended kind of ugly because Marley was face up (and slightly turned to the side) and got stuck on my pelvic bone. I pushed and pushed (the epidural didn't take on part of my right side and then wore off after pushing for some time) and finally the OB asked if I wanted a c-section or the forceps. He used the forceps and it hurt like hell but she was out in less than minute and it was much better than the constant pain of trying to push her out when she was stuck. It took him an hour to stitch me up and then my stitches broke about 4 days later. OB said it was better to let it heal on it's own (greater risk of infection if you re-stitch).

Marley has not been gaining weight (she's still below birth weight) so I've been supplementing every feeding with breast milk or formula and feeding and pumping every 3 hours.

I've got some hormonal weepiness but am not sure it's baby blues. This is so hard and so good at the same time.

Thanks for everyones support and all your good wishes! Sometimes I still can't believe Marley is real and here - pure blisss!

Power bill is going up, but

the stress level is going down!

Baby Soothing 101.

Sun bathing with Grandma

Karen! Taking care of that

last little bit of jaundice.

Huckleberry standing guard!

Alert and ready to protect at

a moments notice.

Merry Christmas everybody!

I will post a full report shortly.

pictures

Marley Gardner, born December 09, 2009, 10:39am, 6 lbs 13 oz, 20 & 1/2 inches!

D-Day!!!

The call came at 9:30pm...report to the hospital at 11. Talk about a "full service hotel", my very good friend and nurse anesthetist extraordinaire Celeste met us in the hallway and carried my bag to the room. She is making extra sure that I have only the very best care. Talk about "its a small world", one of my nurses, Brandi, is friends with my friend Jennifer and went to nursing school with her husband. My other nurse is Lisa and they are both wonderful. Now to the good stuff:

1:10AM - I am 2 to 3 cm dilated and 90% effaced which means no Cytotek (to thin my cervix). They will start Pitocin at 4AM and then WE ARE HAVIN' A BABY!!!

Baby Shower

Many, many thanks to Julie, Dallas, Rebecca and Jennifer who gave the shower for us!

The fire was awesome.

Max had fun barking at Ruth.

Crime scene

Yes, this is a dog's tail with a bandage on it.

It looked like a crime scene at our house this afternoon. Huck had a cut on his tail. It took Justin a while to figure out where the blood was coming from, after seeing it all over the walls/floor and on Rufus. We later determined that probably Huck and Rufus were wrestling in the bedroom and maybe Rufus cut/bit Huck's tail? We think that the scene of the crime was the bedroom because there's blood splatter going 3/4 the way up the closet doors. So, Huck went to the vet and now has a bandaged tail. It's funny.

I had an ultrasound and non-stress test this week. They estimate Marley to be 6lbs 4oz. I have lots of amniotic fluid. She's still head down. I'm still scheduled to be induced and will go to the hospital the night of Dec 8.

I'm definitely feeling bigger and my belly has maybe dropped some.

The new chest in Marley's room is great - all the baby stuff is pretty much done. I think we'll put the car seat in my car this week - wow.

Getting closer

I changed my ticker to reflect my current scheduled delivery date of December 9th (even though my official due date is December 21). Thanks Rebecca for the idea.
Sorry I haven't posted baby shower pictures - I've been working at lot trying to get ahead.
I have an ultrasound in the morning and a non-stress test and Dr. appointment on Tuesday.
We bought a "gentlemens chest" for Marley's room. It's being delivered tomorrow. Justin went crazy this weekend cleaning out, throwing away, straightening, etc. - the house looks great.
Congratulations to our friends Scott and Jennifer on the birth of their daughter, Halle on 11/19!!! She was 6lbs 8oz, 19 3/4 inches. Jennifer only pushed for 9 minutes. I hope our daughters will grow up together.

Countdown . . .

I'm having a baby! It's a little scary to say that like I know it's a sure thing - way in the back of my head is a very small thought that surely something will go wrong, this can't actually be working out the way it's supposed to.
I went to the doctor for a non-stress test today (which looked good) and found out that little Marley Baby has turned head down. Good girl Marley! I was very uncomfortable this weekend and I wonder if that's when she was moving. The Dr. said he'd like to induce after 38 weeks and before 39 weeks - so we scheduled for 12/9. I'll go to the hospital the night of 12/8.
Justin is moving his finals to 12/7 and 12/8. My mom will fly in 12/8.
Justin's Mom has finished the comforter and sheet for the crib - they look GREAT. The comforter is pink with brown polka dots with a trim that's brown with pink polka dots. She made a sheet that's pink with brown polka dots. The striped material for the dust ruffle, that was on back order, finally got shipped last week. I'll take a picture to post as soon as we have a dresser and I can move everything (that goes in the dresser) out of the crib.
We hope to get a dresser this weekend.
I will post shower pictures tomorrow night.

Baby shower bliss

Pictures and text about the baby showers to come . . .
I'm 35 weeks tomorrow. I have a non-stress test Tuesday. Next ultrasound is Monday 11/23. I think she's still breech as my ribs are still killing me. It's crazy to think that I could be delivering in 3 or 4 weeks - wow!
Justin's last final at school is 12/11. He's checking with his professors about alternatives for taking finals because if she's breech, I would deliver at 38 weeks (around 12/7).
We still haven't decided on a middle name and no dresser yet.
A great big THANK YOU to Dallas/Jon for all the great shower photos!!

Baby Marley better turn

I had a non-stress test today and saw my doctor. The test results were great. He said it wasn't likely she would turn head down, but possible. He won't do the turning procedure (whatever you call that) because I previously had an abruption. If she doesn't turn, he wants to deliver/c-section at 38 weeks. I really, really do not want a c-section but will be ok if that's the only choice. I'll have non-stress tests weekly and ultrasounds every 2 weeks.
The current project is trying to find an awesome dresser for Marley's room.

I should pinch myself

We had some serious baby shower action with a work shower on Friday and a friends/family shower on Saturday. I will post some pictures soon. The showers were awesome - thank you so much to everyone who attended and particularly to all my wonderful friends who put the showers on!!! You gals are awesome!
It is totally surreal that I'm actually having baby showers and that a baby's room is coming together - I never thought I'd be at this place. Wow.

I had an ultrasound this morning and everything looks good - placenta, amniotic fluid, movement and growth. She weighs 5 pounds 7 ounces - 55th percentile. She's currently breech and her head is in my ribs (which explains the pain in my ribs).
I have a non-stress test tomorrow and will see the doctor.

Halloween

It was pumpkin carving mania at our house this week. Rufus went crazy over the raw pumpkin and would have eaten as much as we would have let him.

32 weeks and surprises

Holy cow I'm 32 weeks!! My friend, Rebecca, made this 32 out of brownie for me. It looked great (I almost hated to eat it) and tasted wonderful! It's the coolest thing. I ate the entire 3 (after my doctor's appointment and weigh in and now have killer indigestion but it was well worth it). Thanks Rebecca!!

I went to the doctor today for what I thought was a routine appointment. It turns out that the perinatologist wants the following to happen (which I found out about today): extra monitoring for baby's movement and heart tones to include an ultrasound at 34 weeks and weekly non-stress test monitoring beginning at 34 weeks and not allow me to go full-term. Apparently, because of having a previous abruption, there's an increased risk in future pregnancies. So, they won't let me go past 39 weeks (or deliver sooner if problems with the ultrasound or non-stress tests). Wow - I was quite surprised.

And our hospital has implemented a policy of basically no visitors because of the flu. I think I'm getting gypped, I've waited all this time for the baby and no big party with visitors at the hospital - but I know it's better safe than sorry, so I'll suck it up.

C-R-I-B !!!

I cannot believe we actually have a crib (that's put together, with a mattress in it) in our house! This is real!

Justin the super assembler put it together yesterday.

I had breast feeding class this morning and I am officially mcguffie educated and ready.

The latest

I keep turning on the oven with my belly (when I reach into the cabinet above it). HA!
I'm the proud owner of a brand new baby mattress. I did my research about the one to get (and I am happy to support the Atlanta company that makes it) and bought a new one off of eBay. I said I was going to sleep on it tonight but Dallas suggested I let Max (the dog) sleep on it, which might work, because I could put the mattress cover on it and test it out for poop or pee (although he hasn't pooped or peed in the bed lately, knock on wood).
I went to my support group for women who've lost babies last night (I hadn't been since I started showing). I was a little nervous about anyone feeling uncomfortable (the group leader had cleared it beforehand) but I was welcomed and it was like coming home - having me/a pregnant woman there was different for my old group members because I have been where they are. Some are still heavily grieving their losses, some are yearning for being pregnant. My memories of my horrible tragedy almost 2 years ago are still very real and vivid and my heart really goes out to everyone who has experienced a loss!!

31 weeks

Hi everyone! This is my 31 week picture. I officially feel big now. Everything is going well. My glucose test results were normal. It's still hard to believe how far along I am. I'm incredibly thankful for each week that passes - every Monday is a party (and I get to have a Starbucks hot chocolate).

At 36 weeks, I will switch from my current blood thinner to Heparin 3 times a day (so I can have anesthesia, etc.). I didn't realize it, but I will have to stay on the blood thinner for 6 weeks after delivery - eeek!

Justin has fixed my favorite song link on the website so it should stop going down - so listen away!

It's been fun to shop for baby stuff and create my registries. I have 2 great showers coming up. I appreciate all the hard work being put into them.

Many thanks to Julie for the baby gear and to Jodi for outfitting me with practically everything I need!

I'm starting to think about December and getting excited Christmas. My family will be at our house for Christmas (instead of at my Mom's in New Mexico), which will be very strange. My Mom is coming to be here for a month and I told her we'd wait until she got here to get a Christmas tree, but I'm not sure I can wait. I'm very excited about us getting a tree of our own this year - we've probably only had a tree 2 times in our 16 year marriage.

Name that Baby

I am pleased to report that Baby Girl Gardner has a name . . . MARLEY!

The middle name is still under construction and debate.

Many, many thanks to our good friend, Rebecca, who gets credit for a great name!

200 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe I've made it to 200 days - only 80 left. WOW!!!!!!

GREAT report at 28 wk ultrasound

Hi everyone! Sorry it's been long time no see.
I saw the perinatologist today for my 28 week ultrasound and got a great report. He thinks everything is normal and fine. I don't need to see him anymore and he says I'm "like a regular pregnant woman now." What a huge relief (again).
The baby is 2 pounds 12 ounces, slightly on the big side.
I'm still taking the daily blood thinner (Arixtra) injections and having my TSH/thyroid level checked every 6 weeks (last time was the first time my medication dose has not gone up). Practically a full tune up every month.
I had my glucose test on Monday and haven't heard anything from them so I'm assuming it's fine until I talk to them.
I have been polling all my friends and coworkers (thanks everyone!) about which baby items to buy and I am getting great advice. I actually have registered at Babies R Us and Target.
My mother-in-law and I went to look at fabric, picked out a general theme, and she is going to make the comforter, dust ruffle and some sheets. I'm thinking pink with brown polka dots (with brown w/ pink polka dot trim?) and some stripes for the dust ruffle
I have been told I need to post a new picture, so I will do so this weekend.
I can't ask for anything better . . . I'm on my way! This might actually happen!

Preggo times two

Here's a picture of me and my friend, Justice. I'm 26 weeks and she's 30 weeks. A Thanksgiving baby and a Christmas baby. She's having a girl, to be named Halle. She's had an awful time with being sick and feeling badly during her pregnancy so I can't complain at all!

My ticker has officially turned over to 99 days left - I just can't believe it. I keep pinching myself to make sure it's real - and then I get scared talking about it too much so I won't jinx myself. My glucose test is 9/28 and my 28 week ulrasound with the perinatologist is 9/30. Party on Baby GG!

25 week picture

Here it is folks . . the belly (and the rest) at 25 weeks.

Checking in

Hi everybody! I've been checked out of blog land for a while. Everything is going well. I'm almost 25 weeks (and keeping my fingers crossed). Justin found out this week that he got assigned Macon for his last year of pharmacy school - so we'll actually be living together again - yippee!! My Mom, Sister and Aunt were here last week and we had a great time! Our dog ramp and new dog door are working perfectly. Hope you all are well!

Dog love

This is what you call love for your dog - a brand spanking new, first rate dog ramp built by Justin for his beloved and recently more crippled Max dog. It has a gentle slope, small steps to create that gentle slope, outdoor carpet so he won't slide and a guardrail to keep him from falling off.

Now Justin has to figure out putting a dog door at the top of the ramp in a door that has panels in it and could create some complications.

Justin starts school next week and the honeymoon will be over - I'm trying to be in denial about it.

Baby GG is moving like crazy. I've felt a lot of pressure and lot of "stuff" going on, which I assume is growing.

I want to send special shout outs to:

Heather who is waiting a wait of a lifetime, and

Laura who is doing her own waiting/worrying/hoping

Hang in there ladies!!!

Great report

We got a great report at the perinatologist yesterday. Between the good 16 week ultrasound, the good quad screen test results and the good 20 week ultrasound everything looks great and he suggests we don't need to do amnio. We'll do another ultrasound at 28 weeks. So, I'm walking on sunshine!
I won't feel (very) confident until 32 weeks but I'm headed in the right direction!
They estimated GG to be 12 oz. and I can feel her moving like crazy. I'm getting big(er) but not having any bad pregnancy symptoms. It's been interesting to hear people talk/make comments about my widening hips.
Our oldest dog, Max, went lame on Sunday and wouldn't use the bathroom. Justin and I assumed the worst thinking we'd have to put him to sleep - it was horrible! The vet tried a shot and some medicine to see if the problem was pain (an injury?) and he improved very quickly. He's weak and wobbly but we're hoping the problem is not systemic. Max is old and had a good life. We don't want him to suffer or be incapacitated and really hope he'll die peacefully in his sleep when it's his time. I didn't have pets as a kid and discovered as an adult how difficult it is to lose a pet.
Hope you all are well!

2 days and we're even

My count down to baby is rapidly approaching the halfway mark. I was well below 100 "days so far" when I added the ticker to my blog and can remember thinking in May "I can't wait until I get to June" and now we're already in August. That's exactly what I need, for time to fly by.
Now I've got to get past and way beyond the scary 23 week mark (because of what happened last time) - breathe! breathe! It's anxiety producing. I'm trying to decide whether I'm going to do something special/different or just try to let it fade into the night. It also happens to be the same week that Justin leaves to go back to school (I told him yesterday that he was going to have to miss the first week of school but I'm not sure that will fly). My Mom/Sister/Aunt will be here to visit the next week so that will be good. I keep reminding myself that I'm building character throughout all of this!

Ludicrous

I spoke to my perinatologist today who told me about his conversation with the head geneticist at the genetics lab. In summary, he said it was the most ludicrous thing he's ever heard (referring to what my Atlanta doctors and geneticist told me). Basically, none of what they said makes sense to him. Holy cow. Crazy!

Goodbye dear belly ring

The doc's office told me today to take my belly ring out - boo hoo.

Before I left work, there was a good smell coming from the kitchen on the floor below. I went to the grocery store/Publix to get a prescription filled (from my favorite pharmacist, Sara - Hi Sara!) and Jennifer texted from work to say the good smell was fried chicken. So I thought "ooh-ooh-ooh" I'll get a fried chicken leg from the deli, which I did, and it cost $.02! How is that possible? I kept asking the clerk "are you sure?" I haven't had fried chicken in like a million years - it was good. Then I went home, put my work out clothes on to walk on the treadmill and got a little depressed about feeling like a big fat cow - but then I had to kick myself in the ass for thinking like that.

When I got home, the dogs were inside because it was raining outside. I came in, was throwing away some things at the trash can in the kitchen, turned around and bam there were three poop nuggets on the floor (spread out) right behind me. So, I came in, greeted Max our old, decrepid Basset Hound and he followed me into the kitchen and immediately pooped on the floor. I cleaned it up, scrubbed the floor, sprayed lysol, went into the hallway toward the bathroom and bam more poop on the floor (where I had just come from - Max must have greeted me and then pooped all the way behind me). He's getting me ready for baby poop-ville. Thanks Max!

Justin has decided that Rufus' name is now Rufus-Pierre because he was watching Hells Kitchen (after the assistant Jean Pierre).

One point of clarity, Justin is my favorite pharmacist-to-be and soon enough he will be my favorite pharmacist (but I'll still love Sara)! Go Justy Go!

GG it is

It's official, the baby's nickname will be GG.
I have my 20 week ultrasound week after next.
We've been watching Le Tour de France all month and today I'm feeling a little lost since it's over - wondering what in the heck we're going to do now (since we've been watching it every day for so long). Cycling has been an important part of our lives and the excitement gets in your blood. Years ago I scheduled my tonsillectomy so I could be home to watch the Tour and we went to the Tour (for the 100th anniversary) in 2003.
My Mom and Sister will be here to visit in a month and I'm getting excited about that. My Mom is taking a month long cross country trip with best friend from college and they are visiting friends across the country.
Justin and I have three weeks of honeymoon left until he goes back to school - I always tell him I'm going back to being a single woman and then he reminds me that I'm still married. This will be his last academic year and the year after will be clinical rotations. His school crazily assigns rotation sites (cities) randomly and we are keeping our fingers crossed that he will get our town so we can actually live together - he'll find out this fall.
GG and I are doing well. I feel well and I can feel her moving. I'm still just focusing on passing time and doing it day by day.
Hope you all are well!

A blonde moment or a pregnant moment?

This is hilarious!

I just asked Justin to look at one of my jewely box drawers, which has been hard to open/close the last several days. I couldn't figure out why it was all of a sudden hard to open/close and I had previously taken the drawer out and looked inside to see if anything was stuck in the way. Justin pulled the drawer out, looked inside (found nothing), then looked at the bottom . . . finding one of my panterliners stuck to it.

Earlier this week, while getting ready for work, I had taken the back off the pantyliner and laid it on the bathroom counter. At some point, I pulled out the jewelry box drawer to get earrings out and pulled the drawer such that it came all the way out and fell on the counter (and I slid the drawer back in). I remember now thinking "I swear I thought I got a pantyliner out" but after not finding it in the vicinty, I finally gave up looking, got another one (thinking I was losing my mind) and went to work.

So this explains where my missing pantyliner went. HA!

I haven't laughed this much or this hard or cried while laughing in months. I hope Baby GG enjoyed it (hey, that could be a nick name, GG for Gardner Girl).

Nickname help

We have decided to officially give Baby Girl Gardner a nickname (one for while I'm pregnant).
We'd appreciate your help - please send me your nickname suggestions.
Our friend, Miller, suggested Miller except he means it as a real name (he says pronounce it with an A sound on the end, for a girl - go figure), but we'll add it to the nickname list. And I don't like peanut, it's cliche. Justin keeps calling her Sandra, Jr. but it doesn't roll off the tongue.
I'm looking for something cute and spunky.
Thanks in advance!

Great news!

Yippee! My Quad Screen blood test results are NORMAL! A big relief. One step closer.

Is that baby?

I think I officially felt baby last night and again today. My first pregnancy it felt like a butterfly or moth fluttering; this time it feels like a thump or a ripple. Go baby go!

I've also had my first freak out(s) the last two nights at bedtime, vividly imagining what happened the night I lost my first pregnancy (which started in the middle of the night). I'm not sure why I'm thinking about this now (almost 6 weeks before the time it happened at almost 23 weeks). I wonder if I'm feeling more confident after the good ultrasound last week and now I'm looking to the future? I keep trying to focus on the fact that there's a 99% chance that I won't have another abruption; it's been hard to push the bad thoughts from my mind. I do NOT want to have a pregnancy filled with anxiety and negativity . . . I'm trying to think happy thoughts.

It's a GIRL!

It was a crazy day at the perinatologist's today. The big news is that we are having a GIRL. The long, complicated story is that we didn't do amnio. The doc said everything on the ultrasound looked "perfect", so I'm feeling a little more confident and keeping my fingers crossed that this good stuff can actually be real and will actually last!

Husbands are GREAT

The title of this post makes it sound like I have plural husbands, which I don't, just for clarification purposes.
My husband has been OUT OF CONTROL in the handy husband department. He has been fixing, assembling, cleaning, rearranging, etc. I love it!
There's nothing sexier than a man scrubbing a tub/shower - so that's next.
Keep up the good work Justin!

This is not funny - false alarm!

We're at our friend's house in NC for the weekend. I just went to the bathroom and there were slight streaks of bright red on my undies. I immediately started telling myself not to freak out and to remain calm and then I started trying to figure out what to do. I was going to put on a pantyliner to be able to see if there was anything new. I asked Justin to come in the bathroom with me and upon further investigation . . . I discovered that the bright red was actually fuzz from the (presumably new) red towel that I had used for my shower today (I had fuzz everywhere after the shower). Holy shit! How nerve wracking and what a relief! I am now 1000 times more appreciative for the pregnancy I have right now - thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm sure I'll be able to laugh about this later.

The latest

I went to the doc again today to get a doppler heartbeat/heart tones (because I felt weird all day yesterday). It feels a little paranoid but also natural. Everything was fine and the heart rate was high 150s.
I'll have bloodwork Wednesday to check my levels b/c of the blood thinner. My old blood thinner bruises are fading and my new blood thinner (went back to my original one) is wonderful.
I will see the perinatologist on July 9 (and actually my regular ob/gyn that morning). It's possible they will be able to determine the sex since I'll be 16 weeks.
I'm sort of amazed at how big I've gotten so much sooner this time. I feel like I've really popped out. Clothes shopping and picture taking (of the preggo sillouette) have been a little depressing but I know I need to snap out of that kind of thinking. I've surprised myself by being downright cranky and bitchy sometimes - down girl!
We found out today our friends Scott/Jennifer are going to have a girl - congratulations! We've had a good chuckle about Scott having to fight off all the guys who were like him as a teenager and Jennifer having to raise a daughter knowing in the back of her head all the crazy things she's done over the years (I think hell raiser fits here).
We're headed to NC for the July 4th weekend. Have a great holiday and be glad you live in the USA!

Christmas carols & chocolate milk alert

I've been humming Christmas carols for a week - what does that mean?

I've had a serious crisis recently because I can't find my usual Carnation chocolate malted that I always use for my milk - that has been exceptionally good while I'm pregnant. I can't find it anywhere - how can they do this to me?

I started the new blood thinner this morning - out with the bad, in with the good.

We got a doppler heart beat (156) at the doc's on Tuesday.

Yes that is a baby bump in the picture below - the belly has popped out.

Battle Scars

My belly is not liking the new blood thinner - lots of big bruises and hard knots under the bruise.

Justin came home Sat night/Sunday am. We both have basically slept all week but it's great to have him home. We'll both have sleep poisoning before long.

Huck did fine with his heartworm treatment but is now on 4 weeks of "free run" restriction, so he's not too happy with that. Max pooped in the bed the other night, then laid in it, it must have rolled on the floor, and then Justin stepped in it when he got up after we both shot up out of bed when I petted Max and shreaked after realizing he had something gross and poop like on him. It was hilarious. Later, he (Max, not Justin) threw up on the carpet. I had a good chuckle about preparation for having a pooping/barfing child.

It's hot as hell in Georgia and I'm thankful I'll be big pregnant in the cooler months.

Everything else is so far so good (knock on wood!) and I hope you all are well!

Big Day

I had an ultrasound today (everything looks good) and I took my last progesterone injection today. Woo hoo! Thanks to all the people who gave my shot - Rebecca, Barclay, the nurses at work, Dallas, Michelle and Joan - and a special thanks to the repeat offenders who were a pain in my ass daily!

My belly is definitely bigger than the first time but I'm still a little supersticious about taking a belly picture. I'm still very sleepy (can't get anything done, except sleep) and my breasts itch like crazy and are bigger. I haven't really had many cravings although today I thought about cookie dough so well that I could practically taste it.

Justin comes home Sunday after 5 long weeks in Australia/Fiji. This summer will be a serious honeymoon!

Our poor dog, Huck, will have the awful heartworm treatment on Monday (his SOB former owners did not give him the prevention medicine). After the treatment, he'll be restricted from activity for about a month (which will be torture for Huck).

I'll try not to wait so long until my next check in!

Leap of faith

Posting the pregnancy ticker to my blog is a scary leap of faith. You get so spooked about any little step, assuming anything and possibly jinxing the whole thing (or even talking about jinxing it) - it's just crazy!
I'm so grateful for my blog friends who are testaments and much needed daily reminders that this can actually work out and have a happy ending!
So, deep breath, here I go on another leap of faith.

Good news today

Had an appointment today with my regular ob/gyn and he did an ultrasound - everything looks good. The baby is measuring 11 weeks (and I'm 10w3d). You can still see the sack for the other twin. I will see the perinatologist at 15 weeks for amnio.

On top of the world

Got a great report at my ultrasound today!! The baby looks good. What a huge relief!
I am officially released to my regular ob/gyn and I will also see a perinatologist. I think I will switch to a different blood thinner (from Arixtra to Lovenox) because of my new insurance. The hematologist will follow me for the blood thinner.
I'm on my way!

Things about me . . .

I'm trying to pass time, so here's some things about me that you may not know:

• I ate pizza three times in two days last week
• My grandmother went on a date with Ronald Reagan (when they were teens or young adults)
• I called the President of Eastern Airlines when I was 14 years old (and he discounted my fare)
• I had my martian dot removed from in between my eyes (Justin says I can't communicate with my people anymore)
• I now live 1 mile from the house my Dad lived in as a teenager in a state (GA) totally different from the state I was born and raised in (NM)
• I LOVE hot/spicy good
• I was 26 before I had my first pet dog (and then I got 3)
• At the age of 3 and buck naked, I ran to the end of our yard and yelled F*** YOU to the people at the neighborhood park (my question is, how did I learn that?)
• I wrote a letter to the editor (about flying tortillas) in high school and caused an uproar in the city
• I witnessed the Berlin wall coming down in East Germany
• My dad dated my husband's mom for three years in high school. (This is funny, when I had a consult with a genetic counselor a couple weeks ago, she asked if my husband and I were related - for real - I hope that's a standard question)
• It took me 10 years to get a bachelors degree, then I got 2 masters degrees in the next 4 years
• I can blow air out of my eye

Freak out

I had a little freak out last night, probably a mini panic attack. I woke up around 2 or 3am and shot up out of bed (which is quite unlike me, usually I sleep well).
I really want to be positive and think the best. It's been really hard not to let the negative thoughts creep in. I'm also just so tired of talking about this because one minute it's good and the next it's bad - you never know what's next. I am super nervous leading up to my 10 week ultrasound.
Breathe! Breathe!

Bad news

At our 8 week ultrasound today, we learned that one of the babies has died. The other one looks good. Now I'm on pins and needles, trying not to be scared and negative about something happening to the remaining baby.
This roller coaster ride is tough.

Happy Mothers Day

Leading up to today, I didn't think much about myself as a mother, but I was at the grocery store and they were giving roses to all the mothers, and it made me think about yes I am a mother (to the baby we lost in 2007) and yes I am a mother to my babies who aren't here yet. I'm also a mother to hundreds of children who have crossed my path and I have loved and "mothered" over the last 17 years in my work. And wow I sure will be relieved and ecstatic to be a real live in person mother when the twins get here.
Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there.
A very special "I'm thinking about you" to all the mothers who have lost a baby/child and to those who are still struggling to be mothers, struggling with what to do about the quest for motherhood, or struggling with how to move beyond it. I really emphathize with you and my heart goes out to you with extra love and support!

Great news!

I had a consult with a genetic counselor yesterday and she said there's a 95% chance that the babies are normal and fine (that they are not monosomies). What a huge relief!
The 5% chance is if they were disomies (got the 2 chromosomes from the same parent) and we will test for those using amnio.
I've been reading about the proper nutrition/eating/weight gain for twins - holy cow I have a lot of eating to do! I think I'm going to aim for 20 pounds by 20 weeks and 30 pounds (total) by 30 weeks (but I'm still doing my research).
My 8 week ultrasound is Monday.

Crazy thoughts

So far I'm doing okay. I'm pretty positive most of the time (I do a lot of spontaneous smiling and I say Wow a lot). But every now and then I have some crazy, irrational thoughts/fears. Last night I realized my breasts aren't sore anymore and immediately thought that must mean something is wrong. It's just amazing how these bad thoughts come out of nowhere and bam knock you up side the head. I know I will have to struggle with fears on and off if this pregnancy makes it for the long haul.
I've also found myself thinking about my Dad a lot (he died a week and a half after we lost our baby) and I wish he could be here for this incredible miracle.
Justin takes his finals this coming week and then leaves one week later for 5 weeks in Australia/Fiji. I was laughing with him this morning about all the things I'm going to do while he's gone (the mouse will play while the cat's away).
I'm trying to teach Rufus (aka Hellcat) not to jump on my belly. Other than trying to make the next 33 weeks fly by, that's all that's happening.

TWINS!!!

Is there a saying that two is better than one?
Holy cow! I'm pregnant with twins. I'm just absolutely amazed and very much in shock. I had my first ultrasound today. We saw and heard heart beats and they measure right at 6 weeks. So far so good.
We have a long way to go and I'm still scared but wow I'm pregnant with twins right now!

Third beta hcg test

I had my third beta hcg today - it was 11,901 - this is 20 days post transfer. My hcg was 518 on 4/15 (11 days after transfer) and then 1194 (13 days after transfer) on 4/17.
I'll have my first ultrasound on Monday.

Suggestions?

I'm hoping you all have some great suggestions (especially those who have been pregnant after a loss) for how to best get through each day/each week - waiting and hoping you stay pregnant and everything is okay - and not worrying a lot.
I'm doing okay but I'd like to do some very deliberate things to help pass the time in the most positive way possible. I could always stay busy (but I can tend to be too busy) and I want to exercise (I know it will help) but I'm kind of scared (even of moderate walking).
I would greatly appreciate your help!

Beta hcg level looks good

I had a repeat hcg blood test done on Friday and it went from 518 to 1194 in two days. Good news. Next hcg will be next Friday.

I'm posting this picture of my positive home pregnancy test. I had to take a picture that morning because I didn't believe what I was looking at. I'm so proud. It's an incredible privilege and thrill to see a + test! By the way, I'm keeping the pee stick.

Still pregnant!

Yippee!

PREGNANT!!!!!!

I'm pregnant! I'm completely shocked. It's amazing, a miracle. I found out this afternoon. My hcg level is 518.
Even though it's early, I'm going to embrace it, celebrate every moment I have it and assume I'll have a successful pregnancy this time.
I'll post the details soon.
Tara - thanks for the book recommendation (I've already got it and been reading it - what irony!)

Moving on

I'm assuming I'm not pregnant and moving on with figuring out my life without kids.
Sometimes I feel like curling up in a ball and staying that way and sometimes I can see a glimmer of hope for a new future. I know I will be okay - the key is figuring out how to get there.

I really appreciate everyone's support - you have been great - thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Crazy - you're not going to believe this

This has been the craziest 24+ hours. On Friday we had no normal embryos, on Saturday we went in at the last minute for a transfer (which is probably a slim chance).

My doctor called me Friday afternoon to say that none of my 9 embryos were normal, that's it, the end, done. I was in shock. What a kick in the gut. Then I went home to figure out how to figure out the rest of my life.
This morning about 9:30, my phone rang and it was my doc's office. I wasn't going to answer, I thought they were calling me by mistake. Long story short, the embryologist explained (twice, once for me then again on speakerphone with Justin) that two embryos' abnormality was a monosomy (had only 1 chromosome instead of 2) but were growing nicely (looked good) and 1) the test could be wrong, and 2) it was possible that only 1 cell was not normal - the others could be normal.
So, we hurried to get ready, picked up my friend, Julie, (whose job it was to keep Justin from killing the doctor et al) and hurried to Atlanta.
We transferred 2 embryos and now we wait. I still might have a heart attack. It's hard to know whether to be hopeful or pragmatic. But I'm thankful for the chance . . .

Proceeding with PGD

They called today and things look good enough to proceed with the genetic testing, beginning tomorrow. So, now we wait until Saturday - I won't know until Sat morning what we have that's normal.

And the results are in:

Here are the official results including my numbers from IVF1 and IVF 2 for comparison:

Total eggs IVF3 - 16 IVF2 - 20 IVF1 - 13

Mature eggs IVF3 - 12 IVF2 - 14 IVF1 - 8

Fertilized eggs IVF3 - 9 IVF2 - 8 IVF1 - 5

# of embryos IVF3 - ? IVF2 - 4 IVF1 - 3

We won't know my PGD results until Saturday. They say it's rare to not have any good embryos - I hope that's my case!
I'll keep you posted.

16 eggs

We got 16 eggs today (IVF 1 yielded 13 and IVF 2 yielded 20 - but many were immature both times). Everything went well. We were up at 5 to leave for Atl at 6 - ugh! My favorite nurse was on duty (my luck b/c she normally only works weekends) and my favorite transfer nurse offered to come in on Saturday. We had a great time as we were prepping. I'm having a lot more discomfort/pain afterwards this time. Been sleeping all day.

Tomorrow, we'll know how many were mature and fertilized. They'll start the PGD on Thursday and transfer on Saturday. Keep your fingers crossed!

DOC 11

9 eggs on each side = 18 total. Estradiol = 2496. Trigger tonight and egg retrieval on Monday.

DOC 10

7 eggs on each side = 14 total. Estradiol = 1385.
Back to Atl tomorrow for last bloodwork/ultrasound then trigger (the shot that tells my ovaries to get the eggs ready for release and fertilization) Saturday night. Off day on Sunday and egg retrieval on Monday.

80s channel - Who Can It Be Now, Men At Work.

DOC 9 - Oh ye of little faith why do you doubt?

7 on the left and 6 on the right = 13. Estradiol is 915 (good). Keeping my FSH dose at the higher level. I met with the doc today for my history/physical and we discussed the plan, possibilities, etc. I told her this was it (no more IVF, no donor eggs, no adoption) so she better get me pregnant.
I got in my car to head home and started having a little freak out (what if none of the embryos look good enough to do the genetic testing, what if I don't have any embryos that are normal and end up with none) and my book on CD starting playing - Father Tim, the character in the book, quoted scripture "Oh ye of little faith, why do you doubt?", and me believing in signs took that as a sign, and I repeated it the whole way home.

I grew up in New Mexico and have always appreciated Indian fetishes (miniature carvings imbued with spirit forces) and I looked up the meaning behind the turtle (patience) and then rabbit (the guardian of women during childbirth, which I never knew). Holy cow - yesterday I was saying I was trying to be the turtle but naturally am more like the rabbit - that's another sign, that the rabbit is the guardian of women during childbirth!

On the 80s channel - Prince, 1999. If you don't remember 1999 (well) then you probably shouldn't be viewing my blog.

I go back to the doc for bloodwork/ultrasound Friday and Saturday, will trigger Saturday night, and have egg retrieval on Monday. In the meantime, I'm trying to stay CALM and repeating: Oh Ye of Little Faith Why Do You Doubt

DOC 8

5 eggs on the left and 6 on the right = 11 total. Estradiol 482. Increase my FSH dose tonight.
Slow and steady sure seems slow.
Thanks to Dallas for loaning me her special New Mexico turtle to remind me that slow and steady wins the race (I'm normally the rabbit).

80s channel - Cum On Feel The Noize (girls rock your boys, we'll get wild wild wild)- Quiet Riot. I have to also report that the next song is I Feel For You (I want to love you, hug you, and squeeze you too) - Chaka Khan.

It's been a long day, going to bed - goodnight!

DOC 7

I have 5 follicles on each side - 10 total. My estradiol is 325. So, slow and steady, just as we want it.

On the 80's channel - Venus by Bananarama (I'm your Venus!).

DOC 6

Today more bloodwork and ultrasound. I have 4 follicles/eggs on each side. My estradiol is 221 (1st IVF it was 334 and 2nd IVF was 720) so we are increasing my FSH dose again tonight. Back again for bloodwork/ultrasound tomorrow.

I'm usually listening to 80's music (on DirectTV) when I post, so I thought I should starting posting which song I'm listening to - Super Freak by Rick James. If you aren't 80s savvy, then you need to educate yourself.

For my sweet baby girl, JJ, who we lost to an abruption at 6 months pregnant; she would have been about a year old today. When I was pregnant, I knew she was a boy, thus, the JJ - Justin, Jr. was her nick name. If she were here, I imagine her with curly hair like me and a streak of stubborn/feisty/mischeivousness like Justin. My group for people who've lost babies had a balloon release Saturday and I sent a love note to her.
My Dad died unexpectedly a week and a half after we lost the baby. After we buried him, my Mom and I went to the cemetary to see if they had set his headstone. The caretaker was just arriving to set it into place, he had another headstone on his cart, which was for a baby that died the same day as my Dad. He asked us if Mr. Hunt was a good grandpa (he was) and then said "He's up in heaven taking care of this baby." So, I like to think about Grandpa Neil with Baby JJ in his lap and they are looking down on us all.

Update

I had bloodwork and ultrasound today, Day of Cycle 5, which is early. For IVFs 1 and 2, I had my first bloodwork on DOC 6 and first ultrasound on DOC 7. Because of my tendency to make eggs so quickly they wanted to monitor me sooner - and we'll try to "cook" them for a day longer so they are more mature. I have 3 follicles on the right side and 2 on the left. My estradiol is 169. The doc says to increase my FSH dose tonight.
One thing I look forward to on my drive to/from Atlanta is listening to books on CD. I just finished listening to The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian (or Bojangles, for my Mom's benefit). I'm starting At Home in Mitford by Jan Karon.
I still feel crappy from my cold/sinus stuff - my head won't stop pounding.
Tomorrow is/was my due date a year ago - it's weird to think we could have a 1-year-old child.
That's all the news - hope you all are well!

First Hysterical Fit

Okay "what had happened was" . . . I went to the doc for my suppression check today, had labwork and ultrasound, then waited a long time for my nurse, asked the receptionist to check on why I hadn't seen the nurse, then the "sub" nurse (probably an LPN, whom I did know) came out and took me back to meet with me. She started saying all kinds of things that didn't make sense for my case - she didn't know what she was talking about. I was growing concerned and before I could ask to see the regular nurse (who was with a consult), she went and got the regular nurse -I was again concerned when she didn't know everything that should have been happening in my case. I was thinking (but didn't say) "What the hell? I'm paying you a lot of money, I expect you to know what's going on in my case!!!" What I did say was "I'm not feeling reassured that you know what you're doing" and started crying and was obviously upset. I was ready to kick some ass! At this point, things became very serious and they buzzed about the room, figuring things out, getting me what I needed, reassuring me everything would be okay, and even hugging me. They also gave me a 600 unit cartridge of Follistim (a bonus!). I've felt very emotional this go around, to be early in the process, assuming it's drug induced, and even my breasts have been sore; I don't know what's different, why I'm more emotional, because it didn't happen the 1st and 2nd times.

It's funny, but if you don't know me, I have a reputation for having some major rants/fits/episodes (in my defense, one time I was taking pain medicine) and can get a little crazy.

So, even though things got off to a rough start, it's all good for now. I'll start shooting up with the good drugs tomorrow - come on eggs . . . cooperate and do your thing!

POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've officially decided that I'm going to be POSITIVE about this and think that it's going to work this time. So, there! (Now I just have to really convince myself).
Many of you know that I'm weird about "signs", such as the following signs (some of which I'm afraid to tell you because I'm afraid to jinx myself, another weird thing): tomorrow is my supression check, which is St. Patrick's day, meaning the LUCK of the Irish; my mini pencil and orchid plants are blooming (they haven't bloomed since I moved to my new office 1yr9mos ago) - meaning, my womb is blooming; and there are some other signs but I either can't remember them or don't want to repeat them out loud - so anyway, the moral of the story is I'm going to insist that this going to be the baby making jackpot (holy shit!)!!

Lupron report

One shot of lupron every morning - so far so good. Suppression check in Atl on Tuesday. Order the really expensive drugs on Monday(ish). I still get chicken, freak out, think "what the hell am I doing" and consider backing out every so often. I'm having fun dreaming about the future - I just hope I get to dream for a long time (9 months or so). It's warm here and heavenly to sit outside - we've been having fires in the chiminea outside even though it's almost too hot. I'm loving my free yoga class with my favorite instructor. Justin's home for spring break - a mini honeymoon. That's all that's new to report.

Courage and hope after heartbreak

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'."
“If you are going through hell, keep going."
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."

Well put your seat belts on . . . because the wild ride is about to begin. We have officially decided to do IVF again. I will start Lupron shots next week (March 4) and we'll have our procedures (egg retrieval) at the end of March and (transfer) the beginning of April. I'm using the same doctor. We will do pre-genetic diagnosis this time so we'll only use the embryos that are chromosomally normal. In PGD, they fertilize the embryos and grow them to day 3, then take out a cell from each, test the cell's chromosomes, grow them to day 5, then you know which ones are "good" and you use or freeze only the normal ones. In case you didn't know, a woman's eggs age as she ages and at my age, it's typical for many of the eggs not to be normal (chromosomally). So, by only using the normal ones, you have a higher chance of a successful pregnancy.
I'm excited, scared, unsure, hopeful, terrified, ready to take this on and kick some ass(!) and sometimes I feel like throwing up. I don't know whether to be excited/hopeful/enthusiastic or guarded/pessimistic/safe. Deep down it's quite scary and the automatic reaction is to protect myself, but I know that I'll be better off to celebrate and enjoy this process - so I'm working toward that.
I worry that by being negative (expecting the worst, being surprised by the best) I won't have my body in a good place. But the flip side of that is allowing hope for something that almost seems too good to be real or possible (given what I've experienced thus far). It's torture!
Has anyone out there done acupuncture with IVF?
So, hop on the roller coaster with me and come along for the ride. I'll keep you posted.

Snow in the South!

Crazy! It started snowing this afternoon. Justin, his Mom, the dogs, and I got out in it. Rufus and Huck were chasing and biting snow balls.

Marriage

No one sits you down and tells you "marriage is going to be really hard." Usually you get into it when you're all googoo gaagaa, starry eyed, in love - and then later you learn the reality. No one tells you "it's going to be a lot of work" (or if they do tell you, you're not listening).
What I've learned in our 15 years of wedded bliss (and wedded work) is that yes it is hard, yes it is a lot of work, and yes it is so worth it to hang in there and do the hard work - because what you get from all of that is such a rewarding, deep, meaningful union that wouldn't be the same if you hadn't gone through all the trials and tribulations to get there.
Wow. So there you have it, if you didn't already know this, now you do.
I have pushed my husband beyond the limits and together we have bent, molded, stretched, transformed, and roared down the highway of life. I am so in love with my husband because of this and feel incredibly fortunate to have such a precious thing to be a part of. A smile comes across my face and I can feel the sparkle behind my eyes just thinking about it now.
I wish the same for you.

So Far So Good

Well, I've done some exercise, some yoga, some eating well, some trying to be a good family/friend, some laughing, and some looking forward to things in the future - but no pleasure reading - I guess I'm mostly headed in the right direction.
I'm still scared to death about more ivf but feel hopeful that the possibility of a child is at my fingertips. I probably need to quit analyzing and just leap.
I realized I never updated everyone on the fact that my big, nasty (that made me think of the person I know called "Big Nasty", which is not really a good thought) foot wart is finally GONE!! I took the pictures off my blog because I figured they had scared everyone enough.
I'm planning a garden (not sure whether small or large) for this summer and planning out what I want to plant - definitely basil. I'd like to grow tomatos but I never have luck with them.
I'm looking forward to some good New Mexico red chile and green chile next weekend when I make food for Scott's going away party (green rice and carne adovada).
Justin is riding his bicycle, with friends, from Athens home to Macon next Friday (88 or so miles) and we're starting to plan for our annual Macon/Athens Twilight Century bike ride in April. Also, Justin is preparing for his study abroad in Australia and Fiji in May/June (poor fella).
I love you all very much - thanks for traveling with me on my journey!

Could that be spunk I see?

Here's what's been going on in the Gardner household:

They raise hell and then they sleep . . .

Hmmm . . . I am wondering if that could be my spunkiness I see on the horizon, trying to make a come back. As the old saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think I might be ready to rejoin the world, after having dropped out of society for about the last year. I want to get back to regular exercise and yoga, eating well, being a good friend/wife/relative and not being so damn funky all the time. There have been a lot of good things this year - our friends Scott/Jennifer and Troy/Amy got married and had fabulous weddings with good times to last a lifetime, Justin is doing very well in pharmacy school (the hardest year), and we had fabulous trips to Albuquerque in June and for Christmas - and a wild and crazy road trip with three dogs and my sister/brother in law. Our good friends Tossie/Rebecca will have a new house/home soon. My internet friend, Stephanie, gave birth to her miracle (huge) twin boys. Thanks to all my work friends who have been so supportive and put up with me over the last year. Julie and Stan are 50 and Fabulous (my Mom probably came up with that saying too). Barry found his true love and is going to take the big plunge. Scott found a job (go War Eagles! Dallas - that's for you!) and can actually live with his wife now. My brother has achieved education/career/job & wife & house. My sister has achieved more education. My Mom has achieved her lifetime work toward a finished and beautiful home. I love to hear Justin laugh - and he's been doing a lot of it lately. I'm working on my goal of laughing more.

Even though the future is uncertain with a shaky economy and all kinds of strife, we have a lot to be thankful for: I have a job, Justin is well on his way to a good career, we have great places to live, we have great family and friends. Max made it to see another year. I'm looking forward to getting a lot back in taxes (for our IVF deductions and our new mortgage interest), an added bonus. I'm so proud of my fabulous Mom (that's her word, fabulous) who's so incredibly strong. I'm grateful for the many good memories of my Dad - I love you and miss you. I hope to be able to take delight in the simple pleasures, like reading all the books piling up on my "to be read" list, enjoying a good walk, and actually looking forward to things in the future.

Justin and I are discussing more IVF. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. It's hard to know what's the right choice. But I am thankful to even have the option of a choice.

So, here's to 2009, a year of prosperity, gratitude, reflection, perspective, insight, growth, and living in the moment.