POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've officially decided that I'm going to be POSITIVE about this and think that it's going to work this time. So, there! (Now I just have to really convince myself).
Many of you know that I'm weird about "signs", such as the following signs (some of which I'm afraid to tell you because I'm afraid to jinx myself, another weird thing): tomorrow is my supression check, which is St. Patrick's day, meaning the LUCK of the Irish; my mini pencil and orchid plants are blooming (they haven't bloomed since I moved to my new office 1yr9mos ago) - meaning, my womb is blooming; and there are some other signs but I either can't remember them or don't want to repeat them out loud - so anyway, the moral of the story is I'm going to insist that this going to be the baby making jackpot (holy shit!)!!

Lupron report

One shot of lupron every morning - so far so good. Suppression check in Atl on Tuesday. Order the really expensive drugs on Monday(ish). I still get chicken, freak out, think "what the hell am I doing" and consider backing out every so often. I'm having fun dreaming about the future - I just hope I get to dream for a long time (9 months or so). It's warm here and heavenly to sit outside - we've been having fires in the chiminea outside even though it's almost too hot. I'm loving my free yoga class with my favorite instructor. Justin's home for spring break - a mini honeymoon. That's all that's new to report.

Courage and hope after heartbreak

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'."
“If you are going through hell, keep going."
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."

Well put your seat belts on . . . because the wild ride is about to begin. We have officially decided to do IVF again. I will start Lupron shots next week (March 4) and we'll have our procedures (egg retrieval) at the end of March and (transfer) the beginning of April. I'm using the same doctor. We will do pre-genetic diagnosis this time so we'll only use the embryos that are chromosomally normal. In PGD, they fertilize the embryos and grow them to day 3, then take out a cell from each, test the cell's chromosomes, grow them to day 5, then you know which ones are "good" and you use or freeze only the normal ones. In case you didn't know, a woman's eggs age as she ages and at my age, it's typical for many of the eggs not to be normal (chromosomally). So, by only using the normal ones, you have a higher chance of a successful pregnancy.
I'm excited, scared, unsure, hopeful, terrified, ready to take this on and kick some ass(!) and sometimes I feel like throwing up. I don't know whether to be excited/hopeful/enthusiastic or guarded/pessimistic/safe. Deep down it's quite scary and the automatic reaction is to protect myself, but I know that I'll be better off to celebrate and enjoy this process - so I'm working toward that.
I worry that by being negative (expecting the worst, being surprised by the best) I won't have my body in a good place. But the flip side of that is allowing hope for something that almost seems too good to be real or possible (given what I've experienced thus far). It's torture!
Has anyone out there done acupuncture with IVF?
So, hop on the roller coaster with me and come along for the ride. I'll keep you posted.

Snow in the South!

Crazy! It started snowing this afternoon. Justin, his Mom, the dogs, and I got out in it. Rufus and Huck were chasing and biting snow balls.

Marriage

No one sits you down and tells you "marriage is going to be really hard." Usually you get into it when you're all googoo gaagaa, starry eyed, in love - and then later you learn the reality. No one tells you "it's going to be a lot of work" (or if they do tell you, you're not listening).
What I've learned in our 15 years of wedded bliss (and wedded work) is that yes it is hard, yes it is a lot of work, and yes it is so worth it to hang in there and do the hard work - because what you get from all of that is such a rewarding, deep, meaningful union that wouldn't be the same if you hadn't gone through all the trials and tribulations to get there.
Wow. So there you have it, if you didn't already know this, now you do.
I have pushed my husband beyond the limits and together we have bent, molded, stretched, transformed, and roared down the highway of life. I am so in love with my husband because of this and feel incredibly fortunate to have such a precious thing to be a part of. A smile comes across my face and I can feel the sparkle behind my eyes just thinking about it now.
I wish the same for you.

So Far So Good

Well, I've done some exercise, some yoga, some eating well, some trying to be a good family/friend, some laughing, and some looking forward to things in the future - but no pleasure reading - I guess I'm mostly headed in the right direction.
I'm still scared to death about more ivf but feel hopeful that the possibility of a child is at my fingertips. I probably need to quit analyzing and just leap.
I realized I never updated everyone on the fact that my big, nasty (that made me think of the person I know called "Big Nasty", which is not really a good thought) foot wart is finally GONE!! I took the pictures off my blog because I figured they had scared everyone enough.
I'm planning a garden (not sure whether small or large) for this summer and planning out what I want to plant - definitely basil. I'd like to grow tomatos but I never have luck with them.
I'm looking forward to some good New Mexico red chile and green chile next weekend when I make food for Scott's going away party (green rice and carne adovada).
Justin is riding his bicycle, with friends, from Athens home to Macon next Friday (88 or so miles) and we're starting to plan for our annual Macon/Athens Twilight Century bike ride in April. Also, Justin is preparing for his study abroad in Australia and Fiji in May/June (poor fella).
I love you all very much - thanks for traveling with me on my journey!

Could that be spunk I see?

Here's what's been going on in the Gardner household:

They raise hell and then they sleep . . .

Hmmm . . . I am wondering if that could be my spunkiness I see on the horizon, trying to make a come back. As the old saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think I might be ready to rejoin the world, after having dropped out of society for about the last year. I want to get back to regular exercise and yoga, eating well, being a good friend/wife/relative and not being so damn funky all the time. There have been a lot of good things this year - our friends Scott/Jennifer and Troy/Amy got married and had fabulous weddings with good times to last a lifetime, Justin is doing very well in pharmacy school (the hardest year), and we had fabulous trips to Albuquerque in June and for Christmas - and a wild and crazy road trip with three dogs and my sister/brother in law. Our good friends Tossie/Rebecca will have a new house/home soon. My internet friend, Stephanie, gave birth to her miracle (huge) twin boys. Thanks to all my work friends who have been so supportive and put up with me over the last year. Julie and Stan are 50 and Fabulous (my Mom probably came up with that saying too). Barry found his true love and is going to take the big plunge. Scott found a job (go War Eagles! Dallas - that's for you!) and can actually live with his wife now. My brother has achieved education/career/job & wife & house. My sister has achieved more education. My Mom has achieved her lifetime work toward a finished and beautiful home. I love to hear Justin laugh - and he's been doing a lot of it lately. I'm working on my goal of laughing more.

Even though the future is uncertain with a shaky economy and all kinds of strife, we have a lot to be thankful for: I have a job, Justin is well on his way to a good career, we have great places to live, we have great family and friends. Max made it to see another year. I'm looking forward to getting a lot back in taxes (for our IVF deductions and our new mortgage interest), an added bonus. I'm so proud of my fabulous Mom (that's her word, fabulous) who's so incredibly strong. I'm grateful for the many good memories of my Dad - I love you and miss you. I hope to be able to take delight in the simple pleasures, like reading all the books piling up on my "to be read" list, enjoying a good walk, and actually looking forward to things in the future.

Justin and I are discussing more IVF. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. It's hard to know what's the right choice. But I am thankful to even have the option of a choice.

So, here's to 2009, a year of prosperity, gratitude, reflection, perspective, insight, growth, and living in the moment.