Okay "what had happened was" . . . I went to the doc for my suppression check today, had labwork and ultrasound, then waited a long time for my nurse, asked the receptionist to check on why I hadn't seen the nurse, then the "sub" nurse (probably an LPN, whom I did know) came out and took me back to meet with me. She started saying all kinds of things that didn't make sense for my case - she didn't know what she was talking about. I was growing concerned and before I could ask to see the regular nurse (who was with a consult), she went and got the regular nurse -I was again concerned when she didn't know everything that should have been happening in my case. I was thinking (but didn't say) "What the hell? I'm paying you a lot of money, I expect you to know what's going on in my case!!!" What I did say was "I'm not feeling reassured that you know what you're doing" and started crying and was obviously upset. I was ready to kick some ass! At this point, things became very serious and they buzzed about the room, figuring things out, getting me what I needed, reassuring me everything would be okay, and even hugging me. They also gave me a 600 unit cartridge of Follistim (a bonus!). I've felt very emotional this go around, to be early in the process, assuming it's drug induced, and even my breasts have been sore; I don't know what's different, why I'm more emotional, because it didn't happen the 1st and 2nd times.
It's funny, but if you don't know me, I have a reputation for having some major rants/fits/episodes (in my defense, one time I was taking pain medicine) and can get a little crazy.
So, even though things got off to a rough start, it's all good for now. I'll start shooting up with the good drugs tomorrow - come on eggs . . . cooperate and do your thing!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've officially decided that I'm going to be POSITIVE about this and think that it's going to work this time. So, there! (Now I just have to really convince myself).
Many of you know that I'm weird about "signs", such as the following signs (some of which I'm afraid to tell you because I'm afraid to jinx myself, another weird thing): tomorrow is my supression check, which is St. Patrick's day, meaning the LUCK of the Irish; my mini pencil and orchid plants are blooming (they haven't bloomed since I moved to my new office 1yr9mos ago) - meaning, my womb is blooming; and there are some other signs but I either can't remember them or don't want to repeat them out loud - so anyway, the moral of the story is I'm going to insist that this going to be the baby making jackpot (holy shit!)!!
Many of you know that I'm weird about "signs", such as the following signs (some of which I'm afraid to tell you because I'm afraid to jinx myself, another weird thing): tomorrow is my supression check, which is St. Patrick's day, meaning the LUCK of the Irish; my mini pencil and orchid plants are blooming (they haven't bloomed since I moved to my new office 1yr9mos ago) - meaning, my womb is blooming; and there are some other signs but I either can't remember them or don't want to repeat them out loud - so anyway, the moral of the story is I'm going to insist that this going to be the baby making jackpot (holy shit!)!!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Lupron report
One shot of lupron every morning - so far so good. Suppression check in Atl on Tuesday. Order the really expensive drugs on Monday(ish). I still get chicken, freak out, think "what the hell am I doing" and consider backing out every so often. I'm having fun dreaming about the future - I just hope I get to dream for a long time (9 months or so). It's warm here and heavenly to sit outside - we've been having fires in the chiminea outside even though it's almost too hot. I'm loving my free yoga class with my favorite instructor. Justin's home for spring break - a mini honeymoon. That's all that's new to report.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Courage and hope after heartbreak
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'."
“If you are going through hell, keep going."
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."
Well put your seat belts on . . . because the wild ride is about to begin. We have officially decided to do IVF again. I will start Lupron shots next week (March 4) and we'll have our procedures (egg retrieval) at the end of March and (transfer) the beginning of April. I'm using the same doctor. We will do pre-genetic diagnosis this time so we'll only use the embryos that are chromosomally normal. In PGD, they fertilize the embryos and grow them to day 3, then take out a cell from each, test the cell's chromosomes, grow them to day 5, then you know which ones are "good" and you use or freeze only the normal ones. In case you didn't know, a woman's eggs age as she ages and at my age, it's typical for many of the eggs not to be normal (chromosomally). So, by only using the normal ones, you have a higher chance of a successful pregnancy.
I'm excited, scared, unsure, hopeful, terrified, ready to take this on and kick some ass(!) and sometimes I feel like throwing up. I don't know whether to be excited/hopeful/enthusiastic or guarded/pessimistic/safe. Deep down it's quite scary and the automatic reaction is to protect myself, but I know that I'll be better off to celebrate and enjoy this process - so I'm working toward that.
I worry that by being negative (expecting the worst, being surprised by the best) I won't have my body in a good place. But the flip side of that is allowing hope for something that almost seems too good to be real or possible (given what I've experienced thus far). It's torture!
Has anyone out there done acupuncture with IVF?
So, hop on the roller coaster with me and come along for the ride. I'll keep you posted.
“If you are going through hell, keep going."
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow."
Well put your seat belts on . . . because the wild ride is about to begin. We have officially decided to do IVF again. I will start Lupron shots next week (March 4) and we'll have our procedures (egg retrieval) at the end of March and (transfer) the beginning of April. I'm using the same doctor. We will do pre-genetic diagnosis this time so we'll only use the embryos that are chromosomally normal. In PGD, they fertilize the embryos and grow them to day 3, then take out a cell from each, test the cell's chromosomes, grow them to day 5, then you know which ones are "good" and you use or freeze only the normal ones. In case you didn't know, a woman's eggs age as she ages and at my age, it's typical for many of the eggs not to be normal (chromosomally). So, by only using the normal ones, you have a higher chance of a successful pregnancy.
I'm excited, scared, unsure, hopeful, terrified, ready to take this on and kick some ass(!) and sometimes I feel like throwing up. I don't know whether to be excited/hopeful/enthusiastic or guarded/pessimistic/safe. Deep down it's quite scary and the automatic reaction is to protect myself, but I know that I'll be better off to celebrate and enjoy this process - so I'm working toward that.
I worry that by being negative (expecting the worst, being surprised by the best) I won't have my body in a good place. But the flip side of that is allowing hope for something that almost seems too good to be real or possible (given what I've experienced thus far). It's torture!
Has anyone out there done acupuncture with IVF?
So, hop on the roller coaster with me and come along for the ride. I'll keep you posted.
Snow in the South!
Crazy! It started snowing this afternoon. Justin, his Mom, the dogs, and I got out in it. Rufus and Huck were chasing and biting snow balls.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Marriage
No one sits you down and tells you "marriage is going to be really hard." Usually you get into it when you're all googoo gaagaa, starry eyed, in love - and then later you learn the reality. No one tells you "it's going to be a lot of work" (or if they do tell you, you're not listening).
What I've learned in our 15 years of wedded bliss (and wedded work) is that yes it is hard, yes it is a lot of work, and yes it is so worth it to hang in there and do the hard work - because what you get from all of that is such a rewarding, deep, meaningful union that wouldn't be the same if you hadn't gone through all the trials and tribulations to get there.
Wow. So there you have it, if you didn't already know this, now you do.
I have pushed my husband beyond the limits and together we have bent, molded, stretched, transformed, and roared down the highway of life. I am so in love with my husband because of this and feel incredibly fortunate to have such a precious thing to be a part of. A smile comes across my face and I can feel the sparkle behind my eyes just thinking about it now.
I wish the same for you.
What I've learned in our 15 years of wedded bliss (and wedded work) is that yes it is hard, yes it is a lot of work, and yes it is so worth it to hang in there and do the hard work - because what you get from all of that is such a rewarding, deep, meaningful union that wouldn't be the same if you hadn't gone through all the trials and tribulations to get there.
Wow. So there you have it, if you didn't already know this, now you do.
I have pushed my husband beyond the limits and together we have bent, molded, stretched, transformed, and roared down the highway of life. I am so in love with my husband because of this and feel incredibly fortunate to have such a precious thing to be a part of. A smile comes across my face and I can feel the sparkle behind my eyes just thinking about it now.
I wish the same for you.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
So Far So Good
Well, I've done some exercise, some yoga, some eating well, some trying to be a good family/friend, some laughing, and some looking forward to things in the future - but no pleasure reading - I guess I'm mostly headed in the right direction.
I'm still scared to death about more ivf but feel hopeful that the possibility of a child is at my fingertips. I probably need to quit analyzing and just leap.
I realized I never updated everyone on the fact that my big, nasty (that made me think of the person I know called "Big Nasty", which is not really a good thought) foot wart is finally GONE!! I took the pictures off my blog because I figured they had scared everyone enough.
I'm planning a garden (not sure whether small or large) for this summer and planning out what I want to plant - definitely basil. I'd like to grow tomatos but I never have luck with them.
I'm looking forward to some good New Mexico red chile and green chile next weekend when I make food for Scott's going away party (green rice and carne adovada).
Justin is riding his bicycle, with friends, from Athens home to Macon next Friday (88 or so miles) and we're starting to plan for our annual Macon/Athens Twilight Century bike ride in April. Also, Justin is preparing for his study abroad in Australia and Fiji in May/June (poor fella).
I love you all very much - thanks for traveling with me on my journey!
I'm still scared to death about more ivf but feel hopeful that the possibility of a child is at my fingertips. I probably need to quit analyzing and just leap.
I realized I never updated everyone on the fact that my big, nasty (that made me think of the person I know called "Big Nasty", which is not really a good thought) foot wart is finally GONE!! I took the pictures off my blog because I figured they had scared everyone enough.
I'm planning a garden (not sure whether small or large) for this summer and planning out what I want to plant - definitely basil. I'd like to grow tomatos but I never have luck with them.
I'm looking forward to some good New Mexico red chile and green chile next weekend when I make food for Scott's going away party (green rice and carne adovada).
Justin is riding his bicycle, with friends, from Athens home to Macon next Friday (88 or so miles) and we're starting to plan for our annual Macon/Athens Twilight Century bike ride in April. Also, Justin is preparing for his study abroad in Australia and Fiji in May/June (poor fella).
I love you all very much - thanks for traveling with me on my journey!
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